In the process of raising children, rewards and punishments are often the main tools parents use to guide behavior. We are used to giving rewards when children do well and criticizing or punishing them when they make mistakes. This seems to be an effective method. However, when we closely examine the long-term effects of these strategies, we may find that they are not the best solutions—and can even cause unintended negative consequences.

Many parents go to great lengths to give their children the best possible future. Rewards and punishments are among the most commonly used parenting techniques, based on the idea of reinforcing positive behavior. Indeed, in the short term, these methods may appear effective—children obey, behave, and perform well. But over time, some parents find that these methods lose their effectiveness. Their children may even become harder to manage and insist on doing things their own way, leaving parents confused: Are they using the wrong approach, or is their child just difficult?

In reality, the issue often lies not with the child, but with whether the parenting approach respects the child as an individual. Rewards don’t necessarily destroy a child’s interest, but when rewards are conditional—such as “If you do this, I’ll give you that”—children may start doing things against their own will just to receive the reward. This approach may drive behavior temporarily, but it can undermine the child’s internal motivation.

Similarly, praise and criticism are inherently unequal forms of communication. They often convey a top-down message—like a superior evaluating a subordinate, or an elder judging a younger person. But children, though young, are individuals with their own thoughts and feelings. What they need is not just evaluation, but understanding and being heard. If children grow up striving for praise or trying to avoid criticism, they may eventually lose their sense of purpose and become overly reliant on external validation.

This leads to an important question: Without using rewards or punishments, can children still learn self-discipline and responsibility?

The answer is yes. The key lies in where we place our focus. Instead of trying to control children’s behavior, we should focus on nurturing the parent-child relationship itself. Through open and equal communication, parents can better understand their children’s thoughts and emotions. When children face challenges or make mistakes, rather than rushing to criticize, parents can guide them in exploring solutions. This kind of interaction not only supports their growth into independent thinkers but also helps them feel respected and understood.

Parents should also aim to cultivate intrinsic motivation, rather than relying on external control. Encourage children to reflect on their actions and understand the consequences of their behavior, instead of simply telling them what is “right” or “wrong.” This approach fosters self-awareness and self-control, helping children become accountable for their choices. In daily life, it’s equally important to emphasize the process rather than just the outcome. Whether it’s academics, sports, or other activities, helping children find joy in the process teaches them that the journey is just as valuable as the result.

In other words, parents should communicate a clear idea: We do things because they are worth doing—not because there is a reward at the end. When children take initiative and feel satisfied by their actions, the resulting sense of fulfillment becomes a powerful inner drive. This inner motivation enables them to take on greater challenges even without external rewards or punishments.

Many believe that discipline cannot exist without rewards and punishments. But this reflects a misunderstanding of what discipline truly is. Real discipline comes from within—from self-control, not external pressure. A parent’s role is to help children build good habits, make thoughtful choices, and understand consequences. This is where self-discipline begins.

The same principle applies in the workplace. Studies have shown that what motivates adults is not bonuses, titles, or office perks, but whether they feel valued, respected, and in control of their own lives. The same goes for children. Their daily lives are often tightly scheduled and controlled by adults—what to eat, when to go out, when to nap, even what to wear. To help children feel happier and more cooperative, parents can give them some freedom within appropriate boundaries and let them take part in decision-making. This helps children feel more in control and, in turn, more engaged.

Of course, this doesn’t mean abandoning all limits or letting children do whatever they want. When children behave well, parents can and should give positive attention—but this isn’t the same as “rewarding” them. It’s about genuinely recognizing and appreciating their efforts. When children misbehave, it’s even more important to understand the emotions behind their behavior and offer timely guidance instead of harsh punishment.

As education expert Alfie Kohn said, “Raising children is not like assembling a home theater system or cooking a stew—you can’t just follow a manual and expect guaranteed results.” Every child is unique. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, and no fixed method will suit every family or every situation. Parenting is a journey of constant adjustment and learning. We should aim to avoid making children dependent on rewards and punishments and instead focus on understanding their personalities and developmental needs. Regular communication and interaction are key—children need to feel seen, heard, and truly supported by their parents.

Through this process, children can indeed develop self-discipline and a sense of responsibility. More importantly, they grow into emotionally healthy individuals with inner strength, independent thinking, and the ability to make sound judgments—not because they are told to, but because they want to.